Your 10%

The author Jim Harrison said that we must learn to “protect ourselves from our own inclinations.”

If we fail to do that, we will keep stepping in the same holes, damaging the relationships that matter most to us and moving further away from the men we aspire to be.

But first, we have to know which of our inclinations we need protection from.

For my money, the place to begin that examination is thought.

Thought is involved in nearly every action we take.

Sometimes a thought comes first and feeds a feeling strong enough to push us into action.

Other times, a feeling or urge instantly arises, and thought steps in afterward to explain why we are justified in acting or not acting.

After all, the mind is a master justifier and a brilliant bullshitter.

“Thought” really just refers to a subtle internal voice that talks to us throughout the day. We hear it so constantly that we become accustomed to it and stop noticing it.

So, to recalibrate our awareness to its presence, try the following as an experiment.

In your mind, quietly think this phrase: What if I’m fucking up my kids?

Or, if that doesn’t land for you, try this one: What if this is as good as life gets?

Pick whichever one really hits. Think it a few times. Really listen to the voice saying it.

Do you hear that voice?

That is the one we are talking about.

It’s the one saying these words in your head as you read them. It’s the one planning what you are going to say while you are supposed to be listening to your wife. It worries about your upcoming presentation, your bank account, and your mortality.

It is not like the external voice you hear when you are talking to another person. But it is clearly there. We call it “my mind,” “my thoughts,” or “the voice in my head.”

We take ownership of it and identify with it, or even as it. But in our actual experience, it feels separate, right?

It’s just talking to us all day. Offering us suggestions and providing a running commentary as we move throughout our lives.

And in about 90% of life, it is incredibly useful.

It is our human superpower, after all. It is why we dominate the planet, for better or worse.

It knows our kids’ birthdays, lyrics from old rap songs, and the starting lineup for the 1991 Baltimore Orioles (at least some do).

It helps us plan, organize, learn from mistakes, and get through the day as semi-functioning adults.

But in about 10% of life, it feeds us terrible advice.

Advice that unnecessarily scares the hell out of us, beats us down, and makes us act in ways that we aren’t proud of.

And everybody has a 10%. Full stop. We are either aware of it or it is a blind spot. Those are the only two options.

Sometimes people tell me, “I don’t think I have a 10%.”

I’ll usually say something like, “Go ask your wife, your siblings, your parents, or your employees about that. Then let’s talk about what they tell you next week.”

Here is the easiest way to discover your 10%:

If I could listen in on your mind when you are struggling the most, what would I hear?

What incidents from your past does it relentlessly punish you for and refuse to let you forget?

How does it lead you to believe that you are screwed up beyond repair in some way?

When does it tell you that you are an imposter?

That if they really knew _______ about you, they would laugh, leave you, or fire you.

When does it tell you that it will all go wrong? Or that it’s all your fault. Or all their fault. Or that you don’t deserve any of this.

It probably tells you some story about who you are, who they are, what you are worth, what you could have or should have done, and what is waiting around the corner.

That is your 10%. And everyone’s is a little different.

It’s part of being human. The tax we have to pay for being so damn clever.

We have to recognize and take stock of our 10% before we can stop letting it run the show.

And that is an ongoing project from what I can tell.

Because every time I think I have my 10% accounted for, I realize it has found a new way to sneakily convince me to act in a way that is unaligned with the man I want to be.

Try This

Start a running list of your 10%.

Keep it in the Notes section of your phone. Just add to it as you catch the unhelpful stories in real time.

These are the areas of your life where your mind continually misleads you.

Write down the unhelpful stories it keeps returning to about you, other people, and the world. If you get stuck, ask someone close to you what they think belongs on the list.

Don’t get caught up in how to “fix” it. Just start getting acquainted with it.